The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
Why is there a condom in the dishwasher...
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
pesky things like morals, self-preservation and cowardice are not needed. overkill is nothing but a word. there will be blood.
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
There is a cooked ham in the washing machine.
Remember that guy that walked around our house naked with a boner wearing nothing but his winter coat? Well, he has a kid now.
I'll be back in a hour going with Jason to get his nipples tattooed back on again
I just remembered something. We made out last night, people cheered.
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