don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink
How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
I'm eating cheerios out of the palm of my hand while I pee with the door open. Is this adulthood?
there's nothing weirder than waking up to your mom eating breakfast on the couch that you fucked her coworker on last night.
My cat clawed my face because i tried to give it a foot massage...never doing shrooms again.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
Shout out to this stomach virus for helping me prepare for whatever slutty Halloween costume I decide to wear.
Did you take the full box of samoas or do I not remember getting baked and eating half a box by myself?
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
So I was walking to the bathroom and some random dude threw up while walking towards me. He kept eye contact the entire time and didn't stop moving.
Do you ever look at your life and go "i'm too sober for this bullshit"?
Every day of my life.
Randomize
