I want to make a zoo with you.
I feel like I've been hit by a train. I woke up this morning covered in wine, free condoms, and a sign language dictionary.
So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
farters have to be the big spoon...
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck
vaguely remember the bartender stopping me outside last night so he could pull the duct tape out of my hair
Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.
Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".
Last night was a "wash hands with dog shampoo" kind of night
Just assume that every drink in that house has alcohol in it.
Who gets call-your-ex-from-4-years-ago drunk on a Thursday??
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize
