Did u get laid? I went and bought lube and fleshlighted it while moaning ur name the whole time.
i just pissed myself at work. maybe they'll buy the old coffee spill trick
WTF why am I in the Atlanta airport?
curled up in a ball on my bed listening to my "cuddle with a boy" playlist. prettty high.
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Will give head in exchange for a Netflix password. Serious inquiries only please.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
Just got a 15 minute lecture from a drag queen about how bisexuality doesn't exist. Cher would be so disappointed in her.
I am watching xfiles and eating microwaved cookiedough, and I see nothing wrong with it.
K. The dog and I are outside. The Uber driver said "I hope he fucks the shit out of you"
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
