Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am
I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.
Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.
it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.
I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
It was right before we played jenga with champagne glasses for a good half hour
Yeah, but I think it would be a little awkward to explain to Mom that the girl I brought for lunch is not my girlfriend but just a fuck buddy who I met after she hit and totaled my car last month.
My Midnight Kiss was a Big Mac.. Happy New Year
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Randomize
