As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.
I'm done trying to be a vegetarian. My vagina smells like hummus.
the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker
He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
You threw up on yourself mid conversation with your mom and then told her a girl at the party puked on you.
I don't really want to have sex with him, I'd just want him in a threesome. Does that make sense?
He walked in at 7am saying that the police had his shoes and phone because he's being investigated for attempted auto theft.
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I put a bagel at the end of my bed so every time I want a bite I have to do a sit up
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
Just learned that the cute guy I've been flirting with at the beach this whole time is actually an inmate working in the community instead of being in prison.. My life is unreal
Wait, you met him on Onlyfans? The guy from last night? Which one of you is the fan?
Because one of you banged your stalker
Randomize
