I'm drinking on the job... HEAVILY
i just caught my roommate coming out of the bathroom half naked with a surge protector. he told me he didn't wanna talk about it.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.
Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.
Disregard that. She just puked into her boot and started screaming.
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
KNEE DEEP IN HOES. SEND HELP.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
LOOK AT MY ASS AND LEGS IN THIS SKIRT. I KNOW ALL THE BEST HIDING SPOTS IN THIS BUILDING. AND I OFFER TEQUILA.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
Randomize
