You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
i make out with random ppl when i drink he shouldnt feel special
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
i'm lost and i look like a hooker
I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.
I just stuffed five dollars in my near empty box of camels to remind myself to buy more. And my mom says I don't budget my money
to cover up your slurred speech you tried talking like the creepy old man from family guy
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
What's the best way to say, "it's too early in our relationship to leave me at your place alone"? Steal something?
I have stickers all over my boobs and a lump the size of china on my forehead. today has not been good.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
On my way home I saw a car that had "MOVE OVER PLZ" emblazoned across the windshield backwards, so people could see it in their rearview mirror
If I ever drive for Lyft or Uber I'm definitely gonna do that
Randomize
