When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her
It wasn't until that morning that I realized I wasn't actually dreaming, finding myself in the bathtub with someone laying on me
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
She actually made an event on facebook for tomorrow when she does a pregnancy test, 8 people are attenting so far
Let’s not dwell on the negatives. I have a fat ass and suck dick well.
Randomize
