The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
this is not the time for floating mt dew and shots of tequila.
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,
Every FB picture she has looks like it's from the POV of the guy she's blowing
It's really hard to masturbate now that I live with girls who actually function before 11 am.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
Oh god...Did I just fuck a sugar granddaddy?!
Is talking to an iron man poster a good or bad indicator that you've been drinking too much?
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
