The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes
I looked her in the eye and told her I was 'balls deep' in love with her...She said that wasn't saying much. Time to drink away the sadness...
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I feel like butter and tequila would be excellent combination. Right now. Please do this in my name.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just licked a piece of cheese off my phone screen if that makes you feel any better
I should not be able to sum up my life with a taco brand motto...
well tomorrow I get to eat fungus and go to an abandoned city.
most people would fear that statement, but i wish to join you
Im experiencing the awkward moment after realizing two of my straight female friends have had sex with each other
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