I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.
I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.
I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
Makes sense. My grandma just did this shot. MY FAMILY KICKS ASS.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
That female nurse who took a selfie with my man parts well I was out of it just got fired and arrested... You know all she had to do was ask lol
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Just saw the cop you hooked up with over break. He’s def hotter in uniform.
Tell him to stop shaving his pubes. #Notmyjam
Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
I may just have to resign myself to life in flats. He's a sexy little chipmunk that worships me.
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