Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.
We need to hang out more often
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Its gonna be a symphony of fucks
Had the longest conversation today with a potentially homeless cuban woman about mind control.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
He keeps bees of course he's weird
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Look, if a guy shows up at your house. He's short, name is Logan, has weird vertical hair, let him in, give him food, and a place to stay. He's on a ver important mission. And I am he. as he is me and we are all together. And we are the eggman, goo goo gajoob.
It doesn't count as "finding the lesbian" if you fuck a straight girl!
Feel free to drag me back to reality at your convenience
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