if your phone is working sorry i called you at 2am. if it is not then i never called your phone at 2am
You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.
your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
It's not true, it's not true! She's too full of cheese to have sexy time!
After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
Please send me a thumbs up pic afterwards. No homo. After you've redressed and are heading for the walk of shame out of course
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Okay Im still jerking off but now with the Reality of Law School Looming In The Distance
I would literally only have sex with a dinosaur right now.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Randomize
