You're in luck. The brownies don't even have butter, just vege oil
the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby
your completely serious
We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.
I know everytime I get my paycheck I'm like "I should probably renew my gym membership" and then I just buy more alcohol
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
And now I'm drinking leftover wine in the grad lounge because fuck my life
Well I'm in the bathtub smoking a bowl and eating doritos and frosting so I might not be the one to advise you on this shit but I'll try.
Drunkenly making hamburger helper. I just whispered "I can't wait to have you in my mouth."
After a beer I realize now I may have shared too much about my obsession with ghosts with my therapist this morning.
I just want you to know you're the worst sister ever.
If this is about me and your ex, it's not my fault she doesn't like men.
Randomize
