I'm holding in my pee so that I can hear "Cowboy" in its entirety on the radio
You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Just got blown in a rental car. I need to get rear ended more often
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
My mom just offered to be my designated driver tonight. I love being an adult.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
Not having a reliable dick in is getting expensive. I’ve had to replace 3 vibrators since Mike and I split up
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