This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
so my phone accidentally called my dad from my purse at 2:14am....he has a 5 min voicemail of me discussing how Alicia should bang the guy who eats good pussy... i can never look at my dad in the face again....
I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.
I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.
How was the party last night?
There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
We were so drunk that when I broke the bottom off a pint glass we decided to make it into a candle holder. How does that happen?!
I need an office. I have big plans. I'm learning spanish this month.
He just got out of surgery, almost died from shooting him self with an arrow.
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
i mean ive seen your left buttcheek how much more bro can this get
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
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