I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.
People still let you watch their kids?
hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow
You said that about some fat chick sitting on the base of a lamp post and puking. Downright heroic.
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
Wow it must be so difficult to be as popular as you are and smoke as much weed as you do
The night went downhill when he took his pants off at our table and walked up to women saying "Special delivery"
I puked and rallied in front of a cop...and then waved at him....
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I woke up with a thorn in my belly button. A THORN!
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
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