I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
as we were driving back from the frat house he pulled down his pants and convinced me his penis "wanted some air"
If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.
Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Walk of shame: Easter Edition. He is risen.
So really what you're asking for is an allowance to not have sex on our futon.
I DONT HAVE THE SOCIAL SKILLS TO EXPLAIN THAT YOU DIED EATING MY PUSSY
Turns out, it's impolite to repeatedly request Seal "Kiss From a Rose" at bars
Working nightshift means its never too early to start drinking- and you can quote me on that
Dude, you need to come and get her. She's sitting on the bathroom floor making hearts with her menstrual blood. And remind me never to let her do jello shots again
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
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