so my bro's bff came over...we had an awkward "yeah we fucked and can fuck later, but let's just pretend it didn't happen in front of the family" hug.
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
How do I know if porn I have watched is haunted?
I snapchatted his face mid sex. Needless to say, I don't think I'll ever see him again.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
I just drank beer out of an old Vicodin bottle hoping to catch some residue. That's how finals week is going
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I'm not into beards but apparently my vagina is.
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
