Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased
i have a reoccuring irrational fear i'm going to walk in on my dad masterbating. Night.
i had a dream that i had so much marijuana that i didn't know what to do with it. i woke up and cried.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
she vomitted in her champagne, said "fuck it, it's new years", and continued drinking.
I've injured myself in such a way that i am only capable of making love standing up now
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
anyone can pick a bar fight and pick up a waitress at a bar, not everyone hangout with two wolves. TWO WOLVES.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
All of my friends are hooking up and here I am, the lone asexual, looking for someone to eat these tostitos with me.
Randomize
