i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I can't remember last night. I must have yelled at your girlfriend til she cried again.
Yup.
he looked about as manly as a guy in a volkswagen bug can look
i cant finish this easy-mac because i need it for a chaser.
I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass
Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
We had an in depth conversion about the best way to take a dick pic. Both with and without mirrors.
Oh great. I guess I'm second on that list now that we've confirmed she's not a lesbian AND that was her sister.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
Sooooo drunk. We had the best sex ever and after he looked at me and said "That's whats up". I looked at him weird and he said "Young Jeezy would say it" and passed out on me naked. I think i might be in love
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
