It's so hard to take my boss as an authorative figure with her New Moon movie tickets taped to her wall
This just in: I met a girl who does the phone sex phone lines, and shes' 5'4" 320. I'll never get a hardon again through a phone.
I used a physics textbook to prop her up so she wouldn't choke on her vomit...see I have learned something from statics class.
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock
I knew the night had taken a turn when we showed up and our flabongo was being chilled in the freezer.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
Please note: when a bouncer tells you to leave, pointing out that their career path makes them a much better judge what to do will not make you friends
High me just had to pick the lock on my sisters room because I locked my vodka in there. I love vacation.
We had sex on a lawn chair while fireworks were going off last night. It was unavoidable that I got mosquito bites all over my ass
During sex his mom asks from the other side of the door, "Do you like avocados?" Who doesn't like avocados?
I asked her how many times she came and she said "Oh god I can't count that high, Rutgers doesn't teach us that."
I mean we all knew i was gonna get arrested eventually but shoplifting is lame so dont tell anyone. Well just let them assume public nudity or something
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Randomize
