i didn't know you could wash puke off of bras with a dishwasher.
So do you want to come over? ;)
Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....
i think that dennys waitress has my boxers
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
I will never look at a penis the same again. After that I will appreciate them so much more than I do. Makes me wanna kiss yours just for being pretty
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
I'm getting reacquainted with drunk me. She has grown up a lot.
Randomize
