Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just saw an old man buy two cases of keystone light, a case of milwaukee's best and a case of icehouse. Degenerate alcoholic of senior citizen of the year?
I'm so glad i pay social security
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I just had to explain to my 62 year old advisor what "tea-bagging" was in the middle of her lecture. I smell extra credit. And maybe a demonstration.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
I'll give you some leg action but I'm not showing you anything else until your penis admits it loves me
you'll kiss me after i give you a blowjob but you wont kiss me after I eat apple sauce? am I the only one who sees something wrong with this?
I woke up to the sound of her peeing at the end of the bed at 4am.
Randomize
