My landlord wasn't pleased about the new fire pit we built him.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...
I saved lives by not driving this morning
just remembered spooning on the cardboard and confessing to each other we had the spins.
I think I'm just going to up-end a bottle of wine and look through pictures of what my life used to be.
I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
That was when I yelled "Wisconsin powers activate!" and took off sprinting across the ice
He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"
YOU LICKED MY MAKEUP OFF.
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
Randomize
