I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...
its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk
i will see naked twins by the end of the night. that's all i know
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i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
A guy at one of our big accounts just said you probably dont remember meeting me saturday night ps you were right about those two girls being lesbian
FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.
MAS TEQUILA.
No judgement. Sometimes you gotta twerk on a legends face.
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You introduced her by saying, "This is the girl who sexes me." Then you passed out on the coffee table.
I don't think you understand...I'm really good at getting drunk
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I've been trying to fall asleep with ice packs covering my vagina for the last hour... Sorry for being vulgar. I'm going to kill myself.
He weighed maybe 130, his dick had to be 30 of it. SO BIIIIG.
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