i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
It's sitting in bleach right now. You will be the creepiest coolest dude in my book if you made a bracelet from my tooth.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
Love waking up to a new contact named “Pizza” btw
WHAT THE FUCK DREAM ME
I'M GONNA PUNCH THAT BITCH THE FUCK DID SHE THINK SHE WAS DOIN
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
He just blew a .079. Jesus loves him THAT much.
Randomize
