So there are ramen noodles in the shower you need to explain...
you have to give me like a days notice for these kinds of things, you cant just call at 9 am and expect me to be sober
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.
I might lose an organ but I've got booze. I'll be fine.
I mean I don't object to weird looking penis as long as it gets the job done. I just need to get it in. I'm gonna be humping chairs soon.
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
When we tried to make a video I set the camera to 3sec pictures accidentally so instead of a movie we have a flipbook of our sex.
i don't know if this is a cannibal joke or a sexual innuendo, and i think that's a beautiful description of our relationship.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
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