i'm returning your mother's day gift to finance my alcoholism over the next week.
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
I woke up and my backpack was empty. He used me for sex, and back to school supplies.
Herpes is not a lady problem you can solve with shower beers and kissing boys
Long story short if you're going to get drunk on a sailboat at night leave your phone in the car.
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
Woke up with a pineapple again... where do i keep on getting these ??
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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