: I need to find myself a plastic surgeon husband so i can get boobs.
but u need boobs to get one in the first place.
I just accidentally handed the ticket lady a condom instead of the intended ticket. I am now the official whore of Harry Potter.
One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.
i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
she's an english major so her sexts are something i look forward to
Jungle juice turns everything into a pickup line. All I said was "do you play chess" and somehow I got laid.
yeah im watching him make his speech now. cant take him seriously tho. hes talking about funding for education and all i can think about is how ive seen what he looks like wearing womens underwear...
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
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