You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.
They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me
no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You kicked in the door when she was blowing him. You dont remember do you?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
"This must be what Jayden Smith feels like all the time"
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Next time I take edibles I'm getting chipotle to cater the event
I am going to paint butt plugs like little Christmas trees and give them as gifts.
You could paint cock rings as wreaths.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
Congratulations on giving me my first and second hickeys last night. I made it almost 30 years without one, but who needs class these days?
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