I just realized that I've become that person they make the alcohol warnings on medicine for.
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Acid flashbacks - fact or fiction? Have been seeing a surprising amount of sparkly shit this afternoon...
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
Drive by water balloon fight on $500,000 boats ended when someone threw a dildo
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
We perfected the quiet ass slap during sex so his roommate wouldn't wake up.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
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