Last night is one of those stories you hear about on 20/20 right after they make a law banning 90% if what I did.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
This has been your unwelcomed wake-up call, brought to you by exes united. Have a good day, to opt out please type "STOP", to continue but act as though they do not exist please enter "DON'T CARE" for random daily wake up texts by exes united please press "PSYCHO!"
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
Come to Des Moines on Saturday, handcuff yourself to me and drink a bottle of vodka
He is always putting motivational shit on FB. So its like i know hes sad lonely and looking at internet porn. Break up winning
Just found out the last guy I hooked up with is being held in a federal prison under suspicion of stealing 175k.
Randomize
