Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
my bed looks and feels like i need to buy plan b.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I really hope you are not drunk feeding a raccoon.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
Just got our of the shower. I'm standing naked in front of my open windows cause fuck my neighbors that's why
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just watched some kid bang his girlfriend and I was like whatever I'll just sit here and do all your fucking drugs that's fine
Thanks a lot dude. I'm grateful to you for your gift of pure piss.
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