I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
You're probably reading this when you wake up from your "nap" in the front yard. Maybe next week you should go to class, and not start Thirsty Thursday at 9:30 in the morning.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
the best part of christmas was when my mom opened the handcuffs that were supposed to be for jen. Surprisingly, not the most awkward situation of the day.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Please don't finger me like a jackhammer. I'm a woman not a construction site.
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
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