I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.
You missed practice last night. You owe at least 8 hours of liver sprints.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I'm sorry for aggressively singing the Frasier theme song at you so many times last night.
Reason # 294827284949272 i could never be a cop. I would just shoot. All the time. Ppl. Animals. Inanimate objects. Air.
Spending Thanksgiving making a swinging profile brings the day to a whole new level...
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
I'm saying "I told you so" now so that I don't slow down to say it on the way to grab the fire extinguisher
Plus you need some new dick in your life, the environment is fucked enough you don’t have to recycle anymore 😂💀
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