he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
dude, never let a drunk girl playbite your dick. the doctor came in laughed and left.
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.
and when he finished he handed me a baby wipe so i could clean up. i'm ok with the fact that he has kids, but not sure how to react to this.
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?
I'm gonna have sex with my clothes on and I'll know everyone there so I'll be in my comfort zone
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Why were you eating a hot dog in the bathroom at 230 am?
My roommate was sleeping, I thought it would be rude
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Randomize
