He disabled his match.com account in front of me
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
I didn't ride the struggle bus so much as drive it backwards off a cliff.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
Just got outta the drunk tank! Happy 21st birthday!
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
My life is a video game called get the drunk princess back to her castle, thank you to all that participated
I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
