So apparently I told him I was off to go "whore skipping" and I disappeared into the night skipping down the street. I know this because there's video.
So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas
Well I squeegeed the puke off your arm at the gas station
AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA
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I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
the breathalyzer kept saying danger. we made our new slogan danger we need more shots
shes wearing an ankle tracker so she should be easy to find
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
I'm sitting next to the guy that peed in our drying machine
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I like to oil my gears with cheap vodka and strangers
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
Dad literally changed the channel from an episode of Big Bang Theory to another episode of Big Bang Theory. That's why I hate this show.
Listen, i know this is weird for you, but as your fuck buddy, id prefer if you didnt fuck her.
Youre asking too much from me
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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