Dude, I woke up at my ex's house. I am spooning her half naked roommate. There is a pizza on my shoulder. I need you to come pick me up.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
What's the big deal? you guys fuck
3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times
I DONT WANT TO PLUS I THINK I FLUSHED MY KEYS DOWN THE TOILET WHILE I WAS PEEING
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
Apparently that big girl from last night tried to take me upstairs when I was blacked out and all I did was grab Qs arm and whisper 'don't let her take me'
I like how our relationship transcends the borders of inappropriateness and encompasses all the colors of the inappropriate rainbow.
there is absolutely nothing wrong with two grown men staying up all night blowing lines drinking white wine and playing call of duty. don't judge me
When I was hooking up with this guy last night all I could think about was if we were in Game of Thrones... I need to stop doing drugs
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
I woke up to rachel asking "did anyone else fall out of a tree last night?"
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