maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
I need to stop fucking people before I get to know them
Let me start this apology by saying I'm sorry that I bit your penis.
You beat him at the shot competition, and proceeded to rub it in while telling everyone to "ASK ME A MATH QUESTION!!!"
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
We need large glitter to throw at people to signify our mystic nature
Fuck their feelings and their drinks they will get hit with sparkly confetti
Lesbians had sex in my bed last night. It's a thing of pride
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
These guys are just fucking with my heart instead of fucking me. They're fucking up.
I just got dumped by my fuck buddy. Now I have to have sex with my husband.
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