Just got booed while taking a piss and asked if I 'call that a penis.' Get me the fuck out nf yankee stadium.
You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
New justification for blow: drug week; 'how it's made'
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.
I was thinking that maybe I should not apply to Wells Fargo because they def have me on candid camera taking a drunken nap at 3am in their lobby.
Okay well we need to be adults. We're gonna end up with diabetes or some shit.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
I mean I've seen her tits but I don't know what her voice sounds like
I'm going to preface tonight by saying that I'm sorry for tequila, shopping carts, and having to chase me.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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