PS - I'm in bed with an 18 yr old-am I a cougar?
No - puma.
Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
just next time i won't let coke make me think I'm superman and drink a shit ton.
My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Randomize
