I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
And there might be a gallon of sangria without the lid on the floor in your room. Just be careful when you open the door.
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
Masturbated before I came into work and now the finger scanner won't clock me in. Fuck Valentines Day.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
We will go to karaoke
Okay, well, i'm covered in paint, haven't showered & have already been drinking, so if I fall on the floor in a blaze of depeche mode & beer tears, you can't pretend you don't know me
I'm tired of looking like my mother fucked Chewbacca.
I mean really am I setting up a snapchat when I'm 40 so I can send nudes to my 23 yr old bf? yes, yes I am. Where is my life heading.
You know it's a good night when the word slut is imprinted on your ass and your hands smell like lube.
It doesn't matter how nice the shirt you wore to the bar was, you still shouldn't have worn it to a job interview
You ever stub your boner? It happened to me. Just know that drugs and strip poker and a hot tub. I'll Regale you with the story over drinks later.
Randomize
