The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
I forgot to tell you the best part. The folded up paper he wrote his number on opened up to be a picture of him when he was younger wearing a Columbia tshirt in front of NASA and in pen said his name and "space consultant."
don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
Things you Cant unsee: When your smartphone syncs to your dads laptop and downloads photos...including his porn stash.
Went to work in the same clothes from last night, completely covered in glitter...I didn't choose the hag life, the hag life chose me
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
The only downside to doctor sex is that getting choked with a stethoscope leaves marks.
well, mom whipped her new boobs out at the dining room table. So yeah you could say we had a pretty casual thanksgiving
He told me if he passed out to wake him by sitting on his face, and if he suffocated at least he would die happy. Found the one.
We trekked into the state forest, laid the comforter down and he proceeded to tell me that we could stay here and stargaze, turned me around and fucked me like the lion king.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
My last one night stand called me today. Apparently I gave him a yeast infection in his mouth. Not sure how I should feel about this.
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