Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
something must definitely be wrong with me if i'm chasing after a guy who cant even get it up
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
What happened to him?
He was walking right behind us then disappeared.. turns out he checked his luggage at a night club, continued to drink and dance, then slept on the 4th floor of some museum
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Reached a new low. Drinking Wine from my thermos while on the stair master.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
I can't decide which is better: the sex, or remembering that I have ice cream in the freezer after he left
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I don't need inspirational quotes. If I'm going to be motivated, it will be by anger and spite.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
