God help me. Come pick me up. The guy told me this is not a hotel and i had to leave.
I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
why is it that everyone in pennsylvannia gets fucking prego??
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
Now have a vodka water and get your shit together
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
So yeah, don't be alarmed when you come home after work to find me eating cookie dough out of a margarita glass with a knife and watching The Little Mermaid. It's been one of those days.
A warmed up burrito and jelly beans. The breakfast of champions.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Do NOT approach him. He has sex with everything. LITERALLY everything, and I DO mean everything. He's so horny we once caught him with his dick in a pumpkin. A legitimate honest to God pumpkin that he bored a hole in
I have seen you puke and 5 mins later rock my world. So there is hotness there that average people will never see..
Live it up bro, they're always so surprised to find out you use magnums, being such a tiny man and all. It's a good thing.
Just make sure you put pants on
....then im not going
Randomize
