I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .
we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
We had a race to see who could chug their vodka tonic faster. College doesn't seem to be working for me... I'm getting exponentially dumber
Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee
Between the plague n the counterfeit drugs we brought back from mexico I'm not thinking too highly of their country right now. Screw mexican homeless men.
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.
My Saturday dick is so much more impressive than my Tuesday dick.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
the last time I drank tequila I ended up riding your skateboard nude down the street... so yeah, I'll have a few shots.
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I'm eating ice cream out of my purse
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
