hey as creepy as this sounds i still have your eyelashes on my desk
its not a party unless mikie exposes himself
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
there's a strong possibility i came on your eyeliner last night bathroom sex was unplanned and rather messy sorry
We are there now. They have a giant cock and balls with an eagles face and wings.
He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
Hypothetically speaking how does one remove a lamp that they hypothetically superglued to the ceiling?
Acetone nail polish remover, and you lied about studying last night didn't you?
Oh definitely.
I have got to move on from this "sleeping with every drug dealer I meet" phase.
I still have to bake cookies and shave my legs so Mike can have MILF & cookies when he gets home.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I can't be sure but I think I slept with a clown last night...
Who else has a jello penis in their fridge?!
Randomize
