his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life
Reggie can tackle my bush.
You tried to tell me you weren't high while you were eating French onion dip out of the jar with a spoon
Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.
Don't forget your talking to the guy who got arrested for throwing beads back at the Mardi Gras floats. You can't deny that's a first, and neither could that cop.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
I saw Nicolas Cage's face in the moon. Those were good shrooms.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
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