Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
She gives me Chlamydia and somehow I'm still the asshole
she left around the point i tried to tie her hair around my dick
I'm not proud of how I threatened that 8 year old during drunken laser tag
I posted my balls on ericas instagram. It got 17 likes.
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
I Never thought my late 30s would end up with me getting eaten out on a desk in the managers office of a lululemon, but I guess being a franchise owner has its perks!
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