At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.
I'm in the library if you wanna come give me library head.
just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.
For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
She said I can't embarrass her, the challenge has been set
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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