12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
He said bow chicka bow wow. I never thought being sexually degraded would be such a turn on.
She's on her way over to shave my year round sweater vest into a festive argyle sweater vest. Keeper?
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
as your best friend, I hope we never outgrow 'I Just Got Laid' texts
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
I just realized I'm not wearing clothes. I think my pants may be in the kitchen but I have no idea where my shirt is. I'm kinda worried.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Nothing says I'm doing some sketchy shit like coming out of your bedroom with your underwear inside out
Randomize
