i just borrowed 5 dollars from my eight year old sister. i'm at a new low
The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
So what exactly does one do when my driver gets a DUI and is now arrested and I'm still hiding in the trunk?
Find me a cup with a lid so I can illegally drink in your car. I'll be there in bout 10 minutes.
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
Your shirt... Was in my pants
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
My freshman suitemate just walked into the kitchen to find my fuck buddy making chicken enchiladas without me anywhere to be found. Awkward or awesome?
My liver has officially said "fuck this shit" and escaped from my body.
Hi darlin, what are you doing tonight?
.... Things I will not be proud of
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
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