Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
Who would have guessed that ordering a vodka lemonade at Roscoe's was code for I want a hand job
You were so drunk last night you typed www.face.come/cheese.com as if you were logging into facebook.
I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year
she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox
i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.
The sigh of relief when u realize none of your drunk texts will result in permanent damage
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
I didn't realize how hungover I was until I fell asleep in my math lecture, and woke up I'm my history class. How is got there still remains a mystery...
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