I can't get out of the parking garage so now I'm staying downtown....Typical
I just found a dead bug in my nose. if that's the worst thing up there im considdering myself lucky.
My jaw hurts. Such a slutty injury..
I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.
yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism
It was only 12:11 and I needed to make a Pepto Latte and call it a night, I don't remember that being part of my new years resolution.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?
Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?
This baby is an asshole
Cute boy and deffffff wearing a HS shirt. I am getting too old to be inaccurate.
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
Randomize
