No, I can't hang out with Dave because he already has a girlfriend. The one with the tatoos of cherries on her "cherry." Yeah, she doesn't really make me feel spectacularly comfortable.
I would make tea from her tampons just to see her tits
I HAVE stop dating guys for their prescriptions, you have no idea how awkward family dinner was. Thank god for his xanax.
Where are you? This girl fell on a baby. She is just gone. Please Hurry
I'm hurrying
Dude. She just shit herself.
walked into class wearing my zorro costume. some girl just said "oh my god, i fucked zorro this weekend." I found her.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I have fireworks and redbull; let's make heart attack inducing magic happen.
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.
yeah well, its not like my astrogynecology class is teaching me what i need to know
im almost 90% sure there is no such thing as astrogynecology.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
Well we can add this to the list of 'where the hell did that bruise come from?'
I think I broke my toilet with my head. There are ceramic pieces everywhere. and I might still be drunk.
Having sex with him is like yoga. I do it in the morning and then can't walk for three days afterwards.
Randomize
